NEWS FLASH

Exactly what does she do?

Life is not fair BUT it usually has a way of working out in the end. I believe most people are exactly where they were meant to be in life. There are the occasional “Snookies” of the world (those who seem to have been blessed with no talent but good fortune) and those who had all the talent in the world but for whatever reason never quite panned out.

Recently a young lady was voted off a somewhat popular television show and by all the accounts from everyone I have spoken to she may have had the most talent of all the contestants, but she was sent home. Rumors are flying and the young lady appears to be ready to sign a multimillion dollar recording contract – not bad for a loser.

Too good to win?

This young lady’s story is an example of just how unpredictable and unfair life is. Shouldn’t the winner of the television show be the talk of the town? Shouldn’t the loser be sent home to take over the karaoke scene?

We all have had unfair moments in our lives. Some in our careers, some in love, and others seem to have the unfair cloud just following them daily. What parents learn from their own misfortunes can help, when a child comes home and utters the words “It’s not fair.” Parents do not need to know what “IT” is because we already know. To a child “IT” can be anything (not making a sports team, losing a girlfriend) but to parents “IT” is simply defined as – LIFE.

Teach children they should never stop reaching for their goals. There will be bumps in the road and even an occasional “unfair” blow to their dreams but in the end it usually works out, and if it is not working out then it is probably not the end.

The Others

During any conflict – whether between nations or individuals there are always innocent bystanders who seem to get caught in the crossfire. When parents go to battle, extended family members are easy targets.

Children are easily confused and these feelings can last a lifetime. This is why parents have to use caution when they speak of the “other side” around children. Moms AND Dads should not keep children from building relationships with extended family just because they want the upper hand in the relationship.

These tactics are selfish and senseless. Children develop strong ties with extended family members at an early age and isolating or trying to control when your child spends time with their “other side” is not recommended. Of course there are situations when contact with extended family should be controlled (violence, drugs, alcohol) – but if the “other side” is reaching out, do not shut the door on their attempts to play an active role in a child’s life.

I was approached by a man who was recently at his paternal grandmother’s side while she laid in a hospital intensive care unit. The man explained to me that was conflicted even as an adult on exactly how he should feel. He and his grandmother never bonded when he was a child because his parents have been at war since he was born. His connection with a woman (who he agrees “obviously loves him”) is not as strong as it should be.

Maybe he is too guarded?

Maybe, even as an adult he is afraid that any gesture to the “other side” will be seen as an act of treason by his mother.

It is not healthy for any of the parties involved when a child becomes detached from family. Grandparents, uncles, and cousins can have a positive influence on children and those relationships should be encouraged. Trying to rekindle those valuable lost years can be awkward and difficult.

I did not offer any advice to the man, I just listened, and made a promise (to myself) I would not contribute to my child’s angst if he were ever faced with a similar decision.

No -- and Hell No...

So unless my child’s relatives are John Allen Muhammad or Jeffery Dahmer, he is free to spend time with the “other side”.

Just A Little Clarity

Dear Dad,

I wholeheartedly agree with your first two points regarding introducing your child to a "friend", however, I am having a problem understanding point number 3. You said, "After the date; do not travel in the same vehicle – this will allow your child to speak to you alone and tell you exactly what he or she thinks about your friend." I am sorry but if you deem your friend serious enough to introduce to your child, shouldn't you be concerned for her safety and take her home? Has that protocol changed? After all, you and your child can always speak at home.
I also have a comment about living with someone. That is a serious next step to take when all goes well. I am just curious. How do you explain this to a child? Would the friend still be considered a friend at this point?
Thanks, Dad. I'm looking forward to your thoughts. Have a great day!
Wanda

Dear Wanda,

I believe a child's first encounter with a "friend" should be on the child's terms. I also believe a parent should arrive with the child and leave with the child. Those moments right after the "date" are when a child may be more open to express their true feelings about your "friend". The adult's date can find his or her way home -- just as they found their way to the designated area. If there are any safety concerns for any of the parties, I suggest meeting in the morning or afternoon; this may help with those fears.

Depending on the living situation, each case is unique. Does the child live with the parent? How often does the child visit? Will the "friend" bring other children into the home? How will the living arrangements affect the child's space? These are just some questions that need to be answered.

A child should never be pressured into referring to someone as more than a friend. Over time and if the relationship has become a partnership, the child may feel comfortable referring to the friend as "step Dad/Mom"

Who’s That Lady?

When parents decide to separate from one another there is always a rebound period – for both parents. Deciding when to settle down with a new partner is not a decision that should be taken lightly. Depending on the child’s age, a parent’s new relationship may bring more questions than answers.

Introducing a potential partner is a difficult task. When the time comes to formally bring your child and your friend together there are some simple tips to follow…

• First, ensure your child you are only going to meet a friend – not his or hers new Mom. Unless there are extreme circumstances no child wants his or her parent replaced.

  

  
• Meeting at a public location is a good way to start. A Bookstore, Bowling Alley, Movie Theater, or the infamous Chuck E. Cheese’s are good places to break the ice.
• After the date; do not travel in the same vehicle – this will allow your child to speak to you alone and tell you exactly what he or she thinks about your friend.
• Please try to keep signs of affection to a minimum.

Be careful what and who your children see. A different woman in Dad’s house every day may do wonders for a rebounding Dad’s ego and self esteem but does your child need to see your “buddy” in the morning – Really?

Unless the relationship is headed to “living together” status there is no need to inform your Ex but be prepared to explain “Dad’s new friend.” Just be aware that life is a two way street and your child’s mother is not required to inform you of every new encounter she embarks on. The mere fact you chose her to be the mother of your child/children means you have enough confidence in her ability to protect your child/children.

A child’s first encounter with Dad’s new friend should not come seven months into a pregnancy. Do not dismiss the scenario because these types of meetings do occur. Can you imagine what thoughts must be racing through little Billy’s mind after meeting his soon to be Stepmother and Dad tells him he will be a big brother in two months?

Awkward to say the least…

Take the necessary steps and prepare.

He Scored...

After a messy divorce most young millionaires would enjoy their new found freedom soaking up the sun on Miami’s South Beach but one Dad decided to take an alternate route. Dwayne Wade decided to go back to court – and not the basketball court.

The former NBA finals MVP went to family court and filed for custody of his two children.

Recently a Chicago court awarded Wade sole "care, custody, and control" of his two sons. This is just another example of a man who believes a Dad’s number one responsibility is to his children. During the lengthy and expensive trial, Wade’s Ex made numerous outlandish claims about her famous husband. She did everything she could to spoil his reputation and hurt his chances of obtaining custody of their children. Fortunately, the judge saw through the rumors and her lies.

Wade’s nearly four year legal battle is a testament to Dads, who have made sacrifices to have an active role in their children’s lives. The process to take full custody of a child from a mother is never easy, but more single Dads are deciding to make the commitment. These men should be commended.

Wade says he loves being a Dad

Yes, Mr. Wade does have the financial means that average men do not, but look at the way he chose to use his money. He did not “make it rain” at the local establishment or squander large amounts on his entourage. Instead he paid top flight attorneys to represent him and his children in a lengthy trial. I do not believe he is totally innocent in the failure of his marriage but I do believe the man is sincere when it concerns his children.

I am a New York fan, and I hate the Miami Heat but Flash just became one of my favorite basketball players.

The Watchers

My natural “Manly” instinct is to defend Charlie Sheen and his party hard lifestyle (something about porn stars and alcohol rubs most men the right way) but this man has FIVE children and no matter what the cast of “interesting” people around him say, his behavior has to have a negative impact on his children’s life and that is just selfish. A man going through a midlife crisis is not news but when a man allows that crisis to affect the relationship he has with his children, it is time to pump the brakes and SLOW DOWN.

Men do not have to live for their children BUT we also have a responsibility not to make it difficult for our children to live. Children have a right to live a life where Dad is not the opening story of every news show or the punch line of most jokes. Children are affected by Dad’s behavior….PERIOD. You can try to argue the point but the chances of a child following Dad’s lead are good.

Dad flaunts porn stars – Dad’s daughter will think it is ok to be a porn star.

Dad disrespects Mom – Dad’s son will think it is ok to follow suite.

I am not the social police and no one is perfect but there has to come a point when the pride of a Dad overcomes the urges of an adolescent and that is the real story.

You can have your vices (we all do) but take some pride in your appearance and remember your children are watching.

Teach Him To Fish...

Dad had a problem.

Dilemma: Too many children's books just lying around.

Answer: Bookshelf.

The plan seemed simple enough. We would drive down to nearest IKEA, pull out the plastic, swipe, and drive home. Some assembly required and – KABOOM!!! My child would have a leveled bookshelf that would do what bookshelves do.

Operation bookshelf was FLAWLESS, completely planned out, budgeted for, and the space was allocated in the child’s room. Then something happened on the way to furniture store –

I explained my plan of attack to an older Dad and he gave me a look of disappointment. He went on to explain that young children have lost their sense of imagination and ingenuity because of Dads like me. We are quick to buy the remedy for the smallest issues, not willing to take the time to show a child the art of designing and building his own bookshelf.

My intentions were good but there was a flaw in my execution… He was right.

Any monkey can hammer a peg in a hole, but it takes more to measure the exact length needed for each side of the bookshelf and even a little more to decided on what cool colors to paint the bookshelf.

The older Dad had my attention for at least 45 minutes (if you know me that is an accomplishment in itself) and in the end his final reason for taking on the project was simple – “Teach him to fish and he will eat forever.”

Full disclosure – I do not want my child making bookshelves for a living but the lesson I learned from this older Dad is important. Take the time to teach children. Unlock their imaginations and help build skills they may use in the future. 

Instead of IKEA we made a trip to the nearest Home Depot. We picked out the lumber, purchased the right tools, and even found some cool looking paint. It took less than one hour to build and another hour to sand and paint. The leveled bookshelf looks sharp. The total cost turned out to be about the same but the quality time spent with my child was priceless.

So if my child’s major league baseball career does not pan out, he may want to turn to a trade as a master carpenter. Don't knock it. Before he changed the world, Jesus was a carpenter by trade. J