Just A Little Clarity

Dear Dad,

I wholeheartedly agree with your first two points regarding introducing your child to a "friend", however, I am having a problem understanding point number 3. You said, "After the date; do not travel in the same vehicle – this will allow your child to speak to you alone and tell you exactly what he or she thinks about your friend." I am sorry but if you deem your friend serious enough to introduce to your child, shouldn't you be concerned for her safety and take her home? Has that protocol changed? After all, you and your child can always speak at home.
I also have a comment about living with someone. That is a serious next step to take when all goes well. I am just curious. How do you explain this to a child? Would the friend still be considered a friend at this point?
Thanks, Dad. I'm looking forward to your thoughts. Have a great day!
Wanda

Dear Wanda,

I believe a child's first encounter with a "friend" should be on the child's terms. I also believe a parent should arrive with the child and leave with the child. Those moments right after the "date" are when a child may be more open to express their true feelings about your "friend". The adult's date can find his or her way home -- just as they found their way to the designated area. If there are any safety concerns for any of the parties, I suggest meeting in the morning or afternoon; this may help with those fears.

Depending on the living situation, each case is unique. Does the child live with the parent? How often does the child visit? Will the "friend" bring other children into the home? How will the living arrangements affect the child's space? These are just some questions that need to be answered.

A child should never be pressured into referring to someone as more than a friend. Over time and if the relationship has become a partnership, the child may feel comfortable referring to the friend as "step Dad/Mom"

Who’s That Lady?

When parents decide to separate from one another there is always a rebound period – for both parents. Deciding when to settle down with a new partner is not a decision that should be taken lightly. Depending on the child’s age, a parent’s new relationship may bring more questions than answers.

Introducing a potential partner is a difficult task. When the time comes to formally bring your child and your friend together there are some simple tips to follow…

• First, ensure your child you are only going to meet a friend – not his or hers new Mom. Unless there are extreme circumstances no child wants his or her parent replaced.

  

  
• Meeting at a public location is a good way to start. A Bookstore, Bowling Alley, Movie Theater, or the infamous Chuck E. Cheese’s are good places to break the ice.
• After the date; do not travel in the same vehicle – this will allow your child to speak to you alone and tell you exactly what he or she thinks about your friend.
• Please try to keep signs of affection to a minimum.

Be careful what and who your children see. A different woman in Dad’s house every day may do wonders for a rebounding Dad’s ego and self esteem but does your child need to see your “buddy” in the morning – Really?

Unless the relationship is headed to “living together” status there is no need to inform your Ex but be prepared to explain “Dad’s new friend.” Just be aware that life is a two way street and your child’s mother is not required to inform you of every new encounter she embarks on. The mere fact you chose her to be the mother of your child/children means you have enough confidence in her ability to protect your child/children.

A child’s first encounter with Dad’s new friend should not come seven months into a pregnancy. Do not dismiss the scenario because these types of meetings do occur. Can you imagine what thoughts must be racing through little Billy’s mind after meeting his soon to be Stepmother and Dad tells him he will be a big brother in two months?

Awkward to say the least…

Take the necessary steps and prepare.

Working Together…

Every day adults go to their place of business and work with individuals they simply can not tolerate. Maybe it is the coworker who chews with his mouth open, the office gossip queen, or the boss who believes all employees are her personal assistants.  But for at least eight hours a day and five days a week individuals put aside their personal feelings for the common good.

Unfortunately, these same people do not know how to work with the person who he or she selected to have a child with. Working with someone you had an emotional investment in can be difficult – but just like the decision to cope with the unruly coworker, the decision to co-parent is for the betterment of the home team.

During and after a break-up, children need to be reminded just how special they are to both parents and they also need to be reminded that although living arrangements may change, the rules will stay the same. Parents have to be in agreement with rewards, discipline, and other important decisions. It should not be party time at either parent’s home all the time. There will always be differences in parenting style but there should be a common theme. 

Consistency is the number one goal.

Remember, children watch EVERYTHING their parents do. A child’s attitude and behavior toward the opposite sex is similar to those traits exhibited by his or her parents.

In a perfect world everyone would just get along. There would be no pain, and breakups would only apply to horrible boy bands. Children who see their parents working together even when the relationship has failed learn how to work with others they have disagreements with. Show disrespect toward the other parent, chances are the child will do the same when confronted with challenging situation.

Being a mature, responsible co-parent starts with remembering – your child’s needs come before your own. 

KEY POINTS

• Consistency – It is not just for cake batter. Communicate with the other parent and try to maintain the same atmosphere in both households.

• Be a leader – Children will follow a parent’s example; Make it a positive one. Show respect to the other parent.

• Keep differences between the adults – Do not use children as messengers. Children have a right to be carefree. They have their own issues to worry about (acne, dating, school).