Dear Dad,
I wholeheartedly agree with your first two points regarding introducing your child to a "friend", however, I am having a problem understanding point number 3. You said, "After the date; do not travel in the same vehicle – this will allow your child to speak to you alone and tell you exactly what he or she thinks about your friend." I am sorry but if you deem your friend serious enough to introduce to your child, shouldn't you be concerned for her safety and take her home? Has that protocol changed? After all, you and your child can always speak at home.
I also have a comment about living with someone. That is a serious next step to take when all goes well. I am just curious. How do you explain this to a child? Would the friend still be considered a friend at this point?
Thanks, Dad. I'm looking forward to your thoughts. Have a great day!
Wanda
I wholeheartedly agree with your first two points regarding introducing your child to a "friend", however, I am having a problem understanding point number 3. You said, "After the date; do not travel in the same vehicle – this will allow your child to speak to you alone and tell you exactly what he or she thinks about your friend." I am sorry but if you deem your friend serious enough to introduce to your child, shouldn't you be concerned for her safety and take her home? Has that protocol changed? After all, you and your child can always speak at home.
I also have a comment about living with someone. That is a serious next step to take when all goes well. I am just curious. How do you explain this to a child? Would the friend still be considered a friend at this point?
Thanks, Dad. I'm looking forward to your thoughts. Have a great day!
Wanda
Dear Wanda,
I believe a child's first encounter with a "friend" should be on the child's terms. I also believe a parent should arrive with the child and leave with the child. Those moments right after the "date" are when a child may be more open to express their true feelings about your "friend". The adult's date can find his or her way home -- just as they found their way to the designated area. If there are any safety concerns for any of the parties, I suggest meeting in the morning or afternoon; this may help with those fears.
Depending on the living situation, each case is unique. Does the child live with the parent? How often does the child visit? Will the "friend" bring other children into the home? How will the living arrangements affect the child's space? These are just some questions that need to be answered.
A child should never be pressured into referring to someone as more than a friend. Over time and if the relationship has become a partnership, the child may feel comfortable referring to the friend as "step Dad/Mom"
Dear Dad,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your responses. They were interesting, to say the least. A child's first encounter with a "friend" should be comfortable for both the child AND the friend. Leaving it solely up to the child, I believe, is a mistake. Children, unless they are teenagers or young adults, are too young to make a decision like that and IMO, the parent should not ask a child to do so. That's why they are called children and that's why we are called parents.
Regarding "friends" finding their way home, at what point does a friend decease finding their own way home when they're around the child? Weeks, months?
And I believe you missed my question on how to explain to a child that daddy or mommy's friend will be living with them. I know it depends on the age of the child. I guess I'm curious as to how to introduce the topic to children under 11 years of age. I have a son that's 9 years old and always welcome new ideas.
Finally, I agree that no child should be forced to call someone Mom or Dad. I was referring more to a first name basis.
Thanks, dad and have a great day.
Wanda
In my opinion a formal first encounter (not a random occurrence such as bumping into a “friend” at the local grocery store) should be more comfortable for the child for this reason… If the parent is honest, the friend already knows Mom/Dad has a child, and the friend should factor that into the equation before deciding to become serious enough to want to meet the child. The child is not looking to meet the friend.
ReplyDeleteOnce a child is comfortable around a friend (which could take more than ONE meeting – and it should) there are signs parents should look for when deciding to move the relationship further.
Does the child ask for the friend? That’s always a good sign.
Does the child get excited or smile when the friend is mentioned? Another good sign.
Telling a little man another grown man may be moving into the house is difficult. I would definitely ask how the child would feel about it and take it from there. If the child is unreceptive to the idea and the parent knows this person is the “one”; wait and revisit the question in a couple of days, weeks, or months. If my child was uncomfortable with the situation, I would have serious doubts about the move, and it could be a possible deal breaker. I’ve learned partners come and go but my child is around for the long haul.
I think you should ask how the child feels, however, please know that children DO lie. A child could insist they didn't like mom or dad's friend simply because they don't want anyone in the picture that could come between them and their parent. Pure selfishness.
ReplyDeleteUnless there was a legitimate reason for the child to not like or get along with the "friend" (and I can't imagine what situation that would be), you'd be a damn fool to let "The One" go. At what point would you stop allowing your child to run your life
and live yours to your fullest?
If the relationship between a child’s Mom and Dad is clearly defined then I don’t see a child lying about their feelings toward a “friend,” especially if that “friend” is introduced properly. If Dad is still “creeping” every now and then with Mom; YES the child may be confused and tell stories. A child’s age and gender can determine if the ill feelings are artificial. I believe a young, soon to be teenage girl may want more of her Dad’s attention. But a boy of the same age probably can not wait for Dad to find someone else to spend time with.
ReplyDeleteOne of the strangest things I have noticed about individuals who give advice on how to parent is many of them have bad relationships with their parents – mainly their Dads.
I know single women who complain all the time about men who spend too much time with their children and not enough with them. These are the same women whose Dads decided to leave them at home with their Moms while they ran the streets. Absent Dads are SERIOUS problems in our society. I also know single men who date Moms and complain. If he or she is “THE ONE” they will understand and wait. If not, then they are just another one. Remember, no child, in the history of the world has ever asked to be born.
Dear Dad,
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to bust your bubble but all children lie. Period, the end. They lie about many things, some big and some small. Some lie more than others but the fact is they all lie. They might lie about doing homework or what happened at school. The child just might like the parent's partner but not enough to change their lifestyle and live with them and "share".
Parents should have a healthly balance in their lives. Not only does that mean making time for their child but making time for themselves also whether that means alone or with a partner. If a parent is dating and can't or doesn't want to make enough time for their partner, then they have no business dating and wasting the other person's time.
I think you're missing the point, Mr. Dad. Parenting is hard work and we're obligated as parents to spend time with our children, etc., etc., and all that good stuff. However, we should also be obligated to ourselves and IF we find "the one", we should act on it. There will not be many opportunities in this life where you find your soul mate. Life is too short to wait. Wait for what? Would you consider yourself to be a "bad" parent because you'd have to share your time between your child and your partner? Sounds like it to me. I'm just saying...
Sounds like someone got dumped #IJS
ReplyDeleteDear Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteEach situation is different and it is hard to figure out just what side of the equation you are on – are you a parent whose child has or is lying to them (if so, then maybe you should look to rectify that situation before you look to add to your plate. Children who tell lies grow up and become adults who lie.) Or are you on the “outside” and annoyed your interest has not allowed you in his or hers inner circle (if so I think you should check out www.tiabrown.com , she offers great advice on how to handle adult relationships
I will say this about dating a single parent – If you were told the parent’s priorities and felt you could change their beliefs, the only one wasting time is you.
Again “the one” will understand… Does “the one” know what the child’s other parent is like? Maybe he or she is unstable and this requires the parent to be available for the child? I believe there are so many factor adults do not consider because they are actually the ones lying – lying to themselves.
A parent is not a bad parent because they have learned to balance time between a child and their partner. That is the ideal situation BUT I do believe many parents and singles courting these parents are so wrapped up in their selfish needs they attempt to move the children along with them at their pace – and I believe that is not right.