Do All Dings (Things)....

I’ve noticed my grammar and mastery of the English language has doubled and in some instances tripled since I acquired the title of Dad. In the past I would listen as children just learning to express themselves would say such cute expressions as babbit (rabbit) and memba (remember). Today I cringe and correct when my little one doesn’t pronounce his constants.

Call it obsessive or controlling but I believe the earlier children learn the proper way to use their correct dialect the better off the child will be if called upon to explain a situation or ask for assistance.

The corrections should be focused on making it fun to properly pronounce words. Rewards as positive enforcers may help some children develop proper speech patterns but be careful because the child may want a reward every time. I would reward if my child caught the mistake and made the correction himself. This technique made him self aware of the slip and also teaches accountability.

So the next time you hear “Dat dog is lost cause he can’t memba his way home”, smile and remember its part of our job description to correct.

The End Of The Road...

When does the responsibility of being a Dad end? Presidents are elected every 4 years, Supreme Court Justices are appointed for life and almost every position has an end date. But when do Dads get to retire?

Recently an associate of mine had the horror of reliving his own son’s murder when the 5 year anniversary of his death came up. I could not begin to comprehend what type of emotions he must have felt…..guilt, pain, sorrow?  To bury a child is every parent’s worst nightmare. While talking to him about the incident (which was caught on video) I could sense his anger for the individual who pulled the trigger. He made a comment that he would love to take revenge on the killer and as a committed dad I totally understand his point of view. What Dad wouldn’t want to carry out judgment on his son’s killer? The reason he gave was simple; He owed it to his son.

His explanation made me think. When does my responsibility to my son end? Does death really do us part? If something tragic were to happen to him, would I be required to close out his unfinished business? What if I were to perish unexpectedly? Should I care if he is able to continue living the same lifestyle I have been providing for him so far? What if my son became a dad one day after my death? Would I not be responsible for his offspring? These questions raced through my mind and each one lead to the same conclusion.

I believe as long as the bloodlines continue it’s my responsibility to help the next generation succeed.

Hopefully my son will grow to be a great Dad and tell stories of how granddad was able to provide help for his grandchildren and great grandchildren.

All parents will pass away but our legacies have the ability to continue for years after we are gone.

With the New Year right around the corner, now is a good time for parents to consider future financial and caretaker plans. Some parents fail to plan for the days when they are no longer around, leaving children with debt and legal issues to worry about. Responsible parents should have a will and some sort of estate planning (at a minimum) to lessen the burden children will face during a time that is sure to be stressful. Executors of the will should be trusted adults if young children are the beneficiaries and older children should be made aware of what to expect in the will.

People don’t like to talk about death but like the conversation that started this entry it’s sad but necessary.

KEY POINTS

• Plan for worst case scenarios (Wills, Estate Planning).
• Have trusted adults ensure plans are carried out.
• Remember, a child’s future is your responsibility.

The Crossover...

I despise reality TV. I have never seen an episode of the real world and I will NEVER watch Jersey Shore BUT recently a good friend suggested I watch a clip of a VH1 reality show and I’m glad I did.

The clip was focused on a well to do father trying to re-establish a relationship with his two daughters who he estranged when he and the mother of his daughters divorced several years ago. As a dad it saddened me to watch as the well known former athlete entered the room and immediately did not hug his two daughters, this set the tone for a very unproductive reunion. In typical fashion the parents blamed each other for the others short comings; not realizing the damage they were continuing to inflict on the dynamic of the room. The daughters seem to be at odds with who to defend. The oldest sibling obviously took the side of the mother, while the younger sister seemed enthused to finally get a chance to be daddy’s little girl (even as an adolescent).

Regardless of how the marriage ended it’s obvious by the actions of the two “adults” in the room there are still very bitter feelings between them. The father was quick to place blame for being absent for so long on the only caregiver HIS daughters have known. This type of “whoa is me” attitude is exactly why some men find it hard to establish strong ties with their children. There is plenty of blame to pass around as the mother refused to acknowledge her faults in this debacle. Yes she should be commended for raising two young women in these trying times alone BUT whether intentionally or unintentionally her actions only gave fuel to the already unstable psyche of the father. Most irresponsible young men are looking for a way out and her behavior only helped to trigger the fight or flight response in his brain and like a coward he chose to run.

I’m not siding with mother in this situation nor am I giving props to a faded star past his glory days but I have spent numerous of hours in court rooms and several dollars on legal fees but at the end of the day it was worth it and here is some advice. If she makes it hard for you to see the kids, make it hard on her by SHOWING up to court dates…She tries to undermine your authority with the kids, make it hard on her by spending MORE time with the kids…She talks bad about you to the kids, just SMILE.

I used to watch this man on TV when I was a teenager and would think “It would be great to be him”; Now I watch him on TV and think “I wouldn’t want to be him”… Its funny how being a Dad has changed my perception of reality.

Do I Have To...

Words that most parents despise, especially dads.

Recently I was challenged by my son. The encounter was brief and the contest was a lopsided victory for me (like all of our encounters) but this one may have forever altered the balance of power (if ever so slightly) in our relationship.

While passing on instructions on how to properly walk across an ice patch, he replied with “Do I have to”… My reply was swift and just “Of course you have to”; otherwise I wouldn’t inform you of the dangers of running over ice, I thought to myself. Instead of using the moment to teach him the importance of the lesson I chose to take the easy way out and assert my authority. I’m sure his young mind was not satisfied with the answer I provided but I am dad and dad must know what’s best for him; right? So if dad knows, why didn’t dad explain?

It’s not only enough to provide direction to our children but we should explain why we want them behave in a certain manner. Our ultimate goals as parents are to develop children who can be self sufficient and self-assured. We are not immortal and one day our children will have to make their own decisions.

In my opinion one of the premier efforts and failures performed by a dad has to be the job done by Earl Woods (Tiger’s dad). For all the accomplishments his son has achieved one can not deny the younger Woods may have not been properly prepared for facing the world without his biggest and strongest ally (his dad). His behavior post Earl may be a greater testament to just how influential his father was in his life. I'm sure it was daddy wood's way or the highway. Losing a parent is a traumatic experience and there is no right way to brace for the blow but children have to be taught not only the importance of acting in a certain manner but why it’s important. Teach them why it’s important not to commit crimes, why it’s important not to disrespect others, why it’s important to seek knowledge, and why it’s important to be honest. A simple “because I said so” is not a sufficient answer. Our actions not only have lasting affects on our families but our communities as well.

I realized I did not intentionally lead my son down the path of conforming to authority with no questions asked; in fact all I did was answer the question that was asked of me. “Do I have to’? Teaching him to ask “WHY do I have to”? Will help him and me in the long run.

I have had to correct my son’s behavior since our epic battle and now when he asks; why do I have to? I smile and give him the answer he deserves.

UGGGGGHHHH!!!!!

Picture this, celebrity guest on random daytime talk show talks about his struggles with relationships and how he doesn’t let his transgressions affect his duties as a Dad. “My kids have this, my kids have that. My kids are this, my kids are that”. To that Mr. Net worth over 400 million I say; YEAH RIGHT!!!!

If his name was Paul Duffy the city bus driver and had a yearly salary of 60K would it be noted he had 6 children with 3 different women? This is by no means a knock on his success, every man and woman has the right to be successful and enjoy the rewards that come with their hard work BUT please spare me with how much of a great Dad you are. Could your ability to provide tutors, and au pairs (just a fancy word for a nanny) play a role in your children’s success?

Does society look at Mr. Bus Driver with six children from numerous women differently than Mr. Make you dance? I believe so and that is my issue with the whole situation. The ability to throw cash at an issue does not make one individual better than the other. It takes more than cash to compensate for an absent Dad. With different children in different states how can one man be everywhere?

Sorry Mr. Remix but cash doesn’t change this tune, it sounds like the same broken record to me.

Who am I?

My greatest weakness as a man may also be my greatest strength. Men hate to be compared to other men.  Just ask one. We don’t like to be told how to act, or how to talk. Take those feelings and mix it with a case of child trauma of not knowing your father on a personal level and you get a volatile combination. You end up with an individual who is driven by insecurities. I was so afraid of not being like my father that it drove me to become the dad I am today. This is not another dead beat dad posting; there are plenty of those. My own deadbeat father's decisions helped shaped me; from afar of course. Well not really that far........(we lived across the street from each other for years).

Men believe that we are original beings - explorers in a new world, mighty conquerors of a new found civilization. The fact is none of us are new. The same struggles we face today, others have conquered or failed before us. Why am I different? I have made a decision to break the destructive cycle of being an absentee parent. Not knowing the name of my child’s teacher, not attending school meetings, not knowing my child’s favorite food or his favorite book and not taking an active role in my child’s life is simply not an option.

Being called dad is such an empowering term (yes admit it, the little one(s) who refer to you as dad give you strength).  The moment the word Dad is uttered, your entire make-up changes. It’s like baby superman flying through space and finally passing the sun…BOOM you’re a DAD.....able to care for a crying baby in a single bound,able to leap into action to protect once the alarm sounds, there to teach and nurture when others are afraid. This is a responsibility that should be welcomed and not taken lightly.

Being a loving, compassionate dad is so important.  Unfortunately, societal customs have twisted the notion of what a good father should be. A stern dad is not mean, he is a responsible parent instilling values in his child.  Dads should lead by example and deeds, not with empty lectures.  Many men are lacking in basic educational skills, yet want to chastise their children on the importance of achieving good grades in school. It is vital that we take time to show the youth exactly what we want them to accomplish. Too many young children are left to fantasize about their dads; relegated to telling stories of fictional characters that seem too good to be true. Real dads have to stand up and defend our stature in society. Unfortunately, in many communities the role of a dad has been relegated to that of a sperm donor.

My philosophy on being a supportive dad is simple; always be there! You can’t be with your children 24/7 but the lessons you teach them should be instilled in them, to the point that no matter where the child might travel to; they will always have your positive lessons in their hearts, minds, and spirits to help guide them through rough times.

Sit back and enjoy the ride because it will be bumpy at times but no one ever said it would be easy…