Too Cool...

20 years ago a young man from a small rural town in the sate of Alabama, who had already made millions of dollars and millions of fans based on his level of play on a basketball court declared “I AM NOT A ROLE MODEL.” At the time, it was the new catch phrase. Everyone was going around yelling “I AM NOT A ROLE MODEL.” The quote made its way around the world without the help of YouTube or Facebook.

You see 20 years ago, Charles Barkley declared his freedom. Two decades ago, his words had the EXACT opposite impact. Young men all over the world wanted NOT to be role models. They followed Charles's lead and instead of internalizing the entire message behind the famous commercial, most young men only heard “I AM NOT A ROLE MODEL.” Charles Barkley shunned his social responsibility and made it cool to be a F*** up.

The Chuckster NOT looking like a role model

I do not fault the chuckster. A multimillion dollar ad campaign is hard to turn down but in hindsight the message did a large amount of damage to the already weakened role men had in our society. I do not blame the athlete because this is bigger than him. Just like actors and rappers, they are pawns; used to manipulate and distract individuals from the bigger picture.

What if Sir Charles would have accepted his status as a role model and made a commercial for others to do the same? He had the power to make it cool to be a role model.



Sir Chuck had the power --

 I believe there is nothing wrong with doing the right thing; someone just needs to come along and make it cool.

Working Together…

Every day adults go to their place of business and work with individuals they simply can not tolerate. Maybe it is the coworker who chews with his mouth open, the office gossip queen, or the boss who believes all employees are her personal assistants.  But for at least eight hours a day and five days a week individuals put aside their personal feelings for the common good.

Unfortunately, these same people do not know how to work with the person who he or she selected to have a child with. Working with someone you had an emotional investment in can be difficult – but just like the decision to cope with the unruly coworker, the decision to co-parent is for the betterment of the home team.

During and after a break-up, children need to be reminded just how special they are to both parents and they also need to be reminded that although living arrangements may change, the rules will stay the same. Parents have to be in agreement with rewards, discipline, and other important decisions. It should not be party time at either parent’s home all the time. There will always be differences in parenting style but there should be a common theme. 

Consistency is the number one goal.

Remember, children watch EVERYTHING their parents do. A child’s attitude and behavior toward the opposite sex is similar to those traits exhibited by his or her parents.

In a perfect world everyone would just get along. There would be no pain, and breakups would only apply to horrible boy bands. Children who see their parents working together even when the relationship has failed learn how to work with others they have disagreements with. Show disrespect toward the other parent, chances are the child will do the same when confronted with challenging situation.

Being a mature, responsible co-parent starts with remembering – your child’s needs come before your own. 

KEY POINTS

• Consistency – It is not just for cake batter. Communicate with the other parent and try to maintain the same atmosphere in both households.

• Be a leader – Children will follow a parent’s example; Make it a positive one. Show respect to the other parent.

• Keep differences between the adults – Do not use children as messengers. Children have a right to be carefree. They have their own issues to worry about (acne, dating, school).

It’s All About Progression…

I recently sat down in front of the television and saw a young girl with the charisma of a superstar. She moved and sang with such flair I was surprised when I discovered her age. Willow Smith is a testament of how parents can help a child succeed. Looking at this child prodigy and the way she performs, it is easy to surmise --- her Dad taught her how to move the crowd.

Initially I was turned off by Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Why would two well off parents encourage their child to become a child star. Most individuals suffer burnout before puberty. Under further review I realized the move was made by two parents who support their child’s decision to pursue her dreams and continue the family business. Would it bother me if an electrician showed his child how to read an electrical drawing?

Unlike many child stars, Willow’s parents are successful in their crafts so this does not appear to be a case of parents attempting to live out their dreams through their children.

Many of us do not have wealthy parents but we have positioned ourselves to help our children succeed. My mother brought me to a certain point in life with the knowledge she had obtained, I had to continue from that point; not fall back. I can not allow my children at any time to fall back to where I was. That would be a direct reflection of me; A failing grade in the Dad’s hand book.

I am not a believer in the adage of letting your children work as hard as you did because your children will not appreciate or value hard work. Our children are competing on a global scale; it is not good enough to be the best on the block because the block stretches from Maine to China. You have the ability to leave behind a good trail for your child to follow. Show them everything you know.

As parents we must teach our children what works and what does not work. If parents earns all the riches in the world but fails to show their children the secrets to their success, that parent has placed their child at a disadvantage.

So for now, forget the Joneses… Just try to keep up with the Smiths.

KEY POINTS

• Never stop learning – The more knowledge you obtain, the more you can pass on.

• Pass on the knowledge – Teach your children the same skills you know. They may not want to follow your footsteps but you should allow them to make that decision.

When Will He?

I want to share an email I received from a reader. I believe the email may help others who are in a similar situation. Although I am a Dad, I don’t just write for Dads.

I want my son to love and be proud of his Dad. Better yet, I want his father to be a good Dad to his son. I have extended myself to keep my son around his father only to find out he treats his daughter from another relationship better than he treats my son. I do not hate my son’s father however, what do you do when you have done all you can and he still will not be a responsible Dad?

Tired of Trying – NY

Dear Tired of Trying,

Unfortunately, good people often do dumb things and it is also unfortunate you believe you must make your son’s father want to be a part of his life but in reality there is nothing you can do to make him accept the responsibility of a Dad. I do not know your family’s dynamic; there may be positive males in your family (uncles, cousins, grandfathers) who can serve as role models for your son. Your focus should be on making your son the best person he can be and helping him to break the cycle of absent fathers when your son is called upon to be a Dad.

I understand there are mothers who want to keep their children away from fathers who come in and out of their children’s lives. I do not support this action (unless the father is abusive in some way) because the time a father spends with his child is important to the child. Their time together may allow the father to reflect on his own behavior and realize just how selfish he is behaving.

As a parent I applaud your efforts to help establish your son’s identity. I believe it is important for children to know where they come from but in the end, putting pressure on someone to do something his heart is not into may prove to be counterproductive and make the encounters between your son and his father uncomfortable.

The relationship between your son’s father and his daughter from a previous relationship is an issue that you should not concern yourself with. The mother of your son’s half-sister may not be as stable as you (psychologically/financially).

There will come a day when your son will STOP asking for his father. I hope his father will pay attention to this warning before it is too late.