Role Play

The role of a parent is a tricky one to play.

There are times when parents have to take on different roles for the same issue. I’m not talking the good cop bad cop role, which most children figure out at around age seven. I am referring to encouraging or discouraging children.

Parents have the responsibility to do either or both at the drop of a dime. That’s right; parents have to flip flop for the best interest of their children.

Don’t believe me? Here are two examples…

1. A parent encourages their child to play a sport but the child gets injured and the parent immediately has to change their tune and discourage their child from returning too soon from that injury. It’s a fine line. Too much discouragement may turn the child off from the sport altogether. Too much encouragement to get back on the field, and the child may rush back, not properly healed, and with a greater risk of injury.

2. Parents have to discourage their children from socializing with certain individuals yet parents encourage the same children to be free-thinkers and make up their own minds.

No one ever said parenting was easy.

Every day parents face the same scenarios I just laid out and everyday responsible parents do their best to encourage and discourage their children.

Some Figures Don't Add Up

What is a father figure?



A Father Figure? I DON'T THINK SO!



Since the news of the Penn State “situation” broke I have heard the term father figure used to describe Joe Paterno. Many of his former players have come out publicly and called Paterno a father figure.

I’m taking exception to that…

A father would never place his children in danger. A father would not turn away while a known pedophile was stalking children in his community.

There is no substitute for a father. I’m sure if Paterno’s children were attacked he would have took action (like a father should). But because his children were not attacked his duties as a “father figure” are minimal.

No clergy, coach, mentor, or other individual society has deemed as a suitable substitute should be expected to carry the responsibility of a father.

Maybe it is a bit unfair to place this pressure on one man. I mean to be a father figure to a couple of THOUSAND children is a big responsibility. And that is my point!

Instead of looking for father figures; more than ever we need fathers.

No Excuse

If you are a parent, and you have 5-10 minutes you should read the entire indictment against Jerry Sandusky, a former football coach at Penn State University. The first three pages of the Grand Jury testimony are enough to make any sane person cringe in disgust.

The fact this monster was allowed to use a charitable agency he founded to prey on young boys (some as young as eight) is inexcusable by itself. But the behavior displayed by those who are supposed to be in charge of the university is even worse!

I’m known for saying I don’t trust anyone I don’t know, and this event (although rare) is just an example of why I think this way. Sandusky is the lowest form of humanity. Individuals who decide to attack children or the elderly have no purpose on this earth (just my opinion). And those who enable these predators are just as deserving of suitable punishment.

On the surface of this complaint is a monster who lusted for young male flesh but looking deeper into the situation I see many of society’s failures.

Sandusky’s KNOWN victims were introduced to him through a foundation whose mission statement reads “help children who need additional support and would benefit from positive human interaction.” This monster had access to SEVERAL HUNDRED young boys since 1977. Many of whom were vulnerable because of social situations. Many of the young boys grew up in single parent homes (NO DAD) and were from poor backgrounds.

Because he is a threat to society, any sound minded adult knows Sandusky is SICK and needs to be in prison now. No Gray area here. When a 60-year-old man is showering with teenage boys, something is wrong. Certainly there is no logical explanation for that same 60 year old man having anal sex with a 10 year old boy. His immediate supervisor was made aware of the situation, who in turn told his supervisor, who then told his supervisor and all that happened to Sandusky was his keys were taken away. So it’s not OK to rape young boys here in school BUT it’s OK to do it on your own time? What part of ethics 101 is that?

This is a state funded institution, meaning taxpayer’s dollars were used to enable this monster. I’m sure Penn State has done enormous amounts goodwill but this is inexcusable. Everyone from the school’s president to the head football coach should be FIRED!!!!

Parents, Here is some advice…this isn’t television, this is real life and unless you have a deep personal relationship with someone, trust no one with your child’s wellbeing. Ask questions and ask the same questions again. We all know inappropriate behavior when we hear or see it.

Commitment

Com-mit-ment: noun

1. The act of committing.

2. The state of being committed.

3. The act of committing, pledging, or engaging oneself.

4. A pledge or promise; obligation.

5. Engagement; involvement.

Many of us commit ourselves to updating our facebook pages everyday, washing the car 3 times a week, and indulging in certain behavior. The list goes on and on. To be fully committed to something takes a lot of time and energy BUT if you are committed to something you love; you’ll always have plenty of time and energy.

Children’s first encounter with commitment comes from their relationship with their parents. Don’t believe me?

Just look around…

See the parent and child sitting in the library/bookstore. That child knows his parent is committed to helping him learn to read.

See the parent texting his friends while “helping” his child with his homework. That child is receiving mixed signals. So… It’s ok to text while doing homework?



"YOU SUPPOSED TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR KIDS!"



Children don’t need half-ass (excuse my French) commitments. They receive enough of those from society. Dad is not committed to his family and doesn’t come home at night. Well Dad’s children (especially boys) are going to have a difficult time learning to commit to their family and the cycle continues.

Mom is committed to going out every weekend. Well guess what mommy’s little girl is itching to do when she turns 17? I’ll give you three guesses….

Parenting is not hard; IF you are committed to doing the right thing.

I’m committed to making my child’s future brighter than my past…. PERIOD.

The One...

While I was growing up my mother would always tell me “Don’t do the crime, If you can’t do the time.”

Waaaaaaaaaaaaay back then I thought she meant the average run of the mill crime but now as a Dad I realize my mother’s words pertain to much more.

I receive e-mails and have conversations with single fathers who believe they are the “ONE”.

You know the “ONE”. We all know the “ONE”…



The Only "ONE"



The “ONE” believes he has been done wrong by everyone under the sun (his child’s mother, her mother, the system, the man) you name it they have it out for the “ONE”.

The “ONE” spends his time thinking of ways to get back at his child’s mother. Similar to a prisoner sentenced to 18 years who spends his time trying to figure a way to escape instead of contemplating what he’s going to do when he is released.

The “ONE” is stuck!!!!

The “ONE” will never admit it but he loves tension.

The “ONE” believes he is the only “ONE” who is paying child support and all the laws passed pertaining to child support have been put in place because of him.

Instead of wasting your time trying to scheme a way on how not to pay child support; Here’s an idea – Find a way to generate more income so the support payments don’t hurt as much. I’m not telling anyone to report ALL their income BUT you will pay; One-way or another.

You will be paying support to the child’s mother for AT LEAST 18 years…. You can look at it as a fine, as a bill, whatever you want to call its okay with me. So the faster you get to the point in your life when you are not thinking about the payments, the faster you can continue with your life.

One-day the “ONE” will get released back into society (looking for another woman and looking to start another family) and I hope he will have learned his lesson and if not feel free to heed some wise words from a wise woman… “Don’t do the crime, if you can’t do the time.”

NEEDS vs. WANTS

What happens when adults behave like children?

Over the past several days I have been amazed by the controversy surrounding two of my oldest friends… That’s right; Bert and Ernie.

This pseudo argument has nothing to do with children.

For the record, I believe every man and woman has the right to marry (and divorce) whom ever they choose BUT why make an attempt to sexualize every aspect of a child’s life? The answer is simple – Because they WANT to.

No one NEEDS the two best friends to get married. No child is watching PBS and wondering “A, B, C…Hmmmmmmmmmm, I wonder if Bert and Ernie are married?”

Instead a group WANTS them to get married. For no reason other than furthering their cause.

I have listened to people speak regarding why the two best friends should get hitched, and I have yet to hear anyone make a case for why they NEED to get married. I hear “because children need diversity.” Really? As if monsters, fairies, muppets, humans, and a seven-foot yellow bird living on a make-believe side street is not diverse enough.

C’mon! Enough already.

When I hear people discuss this, I feel like I’m listening to my child tell me how much he NEEDS a new X-box game. I have to correct him and try to make him understand he doesn’t NEED it; he WANTS it. Maybe when he’s an adult he will understand the difference between NEEDS and WANTS.

I have an idea… Maybe Bert and Ernie can talk about the difference between NEEDS and WANTS J.

I Say NO...

A tragic event in my old neighborhood only has reinforced my belief that as a parent it is ok to say no to your children.

The details of the child’s murder shocked me for two reasons…

One, I have a child who is close to the age of the victim, and I could not imagine what evil must run through an adults mind to hurt a helpless child in the manner.

Two, the reason why the young boy was allowed to walk home alone by himself. The reports of the boy begging him Mom to let him walk home alone saddened my heart even more. As a parent I can sympathize with the mother because I have heard it before…

“You NEVER let me do anything”

“But (insert random friend’s name here) Dad lets him (insert random act)”

The list goes on...

Sure, there is a certain amount of independence every child should have. Every child should be allowed to clean their bedroom Alone, every child should be allowed to study ALONE, and every child should be allowed to sleep in their own bed ALONE – Do you sense the sarcasm? I hope so.

It is unfortunate but these are the times we live in. I admit; tragic events that took young Leiby Kletzky away are not the norm. The facts show the odds of someone abducting and murdering your child are miniscule BUT a responsible parent should never take that bet.

Men of Respect...

Arnold Schwarzenegger should send NYC councilman Anthony “show me what you got” Weiner a fruit basket. Not only did Mr. Weiner provide comedians with jokes for years, he made the former Governor of California actions irrelevant; even though what the terminator did was/is 100 times worse in my book. Thanks to the councilman from New York City, Mr. Schwarzenegger was sent to the back burner.

So this is what he was talking about

Everyone make mistakes and I am not a member of the moral police but Mr. Weiner needs to step down. Not for flirting and not for “sexting” but for one word – RESPECT.

So far Weiner has stood his ground and refuses to resign but when children are making jokes about him, exactly how are his colleagues supposed to take him serious?

Weiner’s main point is a valid one – A majority of his constituents actually want him to stay on board. But how effective can this man be as a legislator, when no one outside of his district takes him serious?

This man will become a Dad soon (Weiner’s wife is expecting). Dad’s need to lead by example because our children have to respect us. This will help our children respect themselves.

Have some respect for yourself Mr. Weiner. Step down, rebuild yourself (mentally), keep your clothes on, get rid of the smart phone, and run for office again. Shoot; even Marion Barry got re-elected.

Grow Up...

I must be old – other than the date on my birth certificate (which I can provide) to remind me. Another clear indication of growing older is losing touch with today’s youth and I am lost for words with some of the fashions of young men.

I understand the need for comfort, I wore baggy jeans all my life but there is a current fad I believe is out of control. What I find most disturbing is most people who choose to sport the “ass out” look do not know where the look originated.

C'mon Son...

Some may dispute my conspiracy theory but let us exam this closely.

When an individual is arrested, his property is confiscated before he is introduced to other wrong doers (for obvious reasons). This includes their belts. This allows prisoners to walk around with their pants hanging from his ass….. “So sexy”

Others tell stories of some prisoners in state penitentiaries that walk around with their pants down to indicate they are “open for business.” You can not make this stuff up.

This is not just and “urban/minority” issue. Recently I was in an amusement park in a southern state and walking in front of me was a group of teenagers (all of whom were as white as snow) and everyone in the park can tell you the color of seven out of nine of their boxers. I am not saying these are bad children because I do not know them. What I am saying – someone needs to talk to them about carrying themselves as young men.

Young men are captivated by the prison culture and I am at the point where I can not blame them. Their favorite music artist’s pants are hanging from their ass, their favorite athlete’s pants are hanging from their ass, and in some cases their Dad’s pants are hanging from their ass. I understand music and sports influence fashions but when a certain culture is the source that influences the musicians and the athletes someone has to draw the line.



100 Million Plus...

I remember when David Stern implemented a dress code in the NBA (The NBA now requires all players who are not in uniform to be in a collared shirt or sports jacket if they are sitting on their team’s bench – no more sneakers, sweat suits, and doo-rags.) Players and advocates openly argued against the rule. Some called it a form of racism; others described Mr. Stern as a dictator. I thought it was wrong to tell men how to dress but looking back on it, David Stern was right. He never told the players they could not wear millions of dollars worth of jewelry, he never told the players they could not have corn-rolls, he just told them to present themselves like successful men.

In the end, that is what I want for my child – to carry himself and present himself in a successful manner. I refuse to allow my child to be influenced by individuals who can not operate in society.   

Happy Days

"Of course I love it"

Mother’s Day is right around the corner. The countdown has begun – the long lines for flowers are just about to form. Everyone will try NOT to be THE last person to pick out a mother’s day card.

Oh yes; happy, happy, joy, joy…

Moms get all the love and all the nice gifts.



Dads are usually rewarded with a pack of T-Shirts (v-neck or tank top?), an ugly tie, or who can forget about old faithful – a good pair of boxer briefs.

I am not here to be an advocate for equal gifts. I have noticed mother’s day has taken on a life of its own. It will never top Christmas or Valentines’ day but check out the 2008 recorded sales for mother day’s gifts. Let me remind you in 2008 the nation was on the brink of an economic meltdown – or so they wanted us to believe. Yet for this one day, we spent a total of 15 billion dollars.



I am just as guilty as anyone. I have never purchased my father a gift for father’s day. I never kept track of the day until I became a Dad. But like clockwork, when that faithful day in May rolls around I am compelled by some unseen force to show my Mom just how thankful I am to have her in my life.

The roll of a parent is a tough part to play. The role of a Dad is even tougher.

You see Dads cannot complain about not receiving anything nice for father’s day. Mom, well she can let you have it for the next 10 years if you do not come correct. A good Dad knows his role and plays it well. Not for the fame or the glory and definitely not for the father’s day gifts. A good Dad just appreciates the time he spends with his children and hopes one day his children will appreciate him.

Let me take this moment to wish all the moms a HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY and remind everyone, June 19^th is right around the corner J

NEWS FLASH

Exactly what does she do?

Life is not fair BUT it usually has a way of working out in the end. I believe most people are exactly where they were meant to be in life. There are the occasional “Snookies” of the world (those who seem to have been blessed with no talent but good fortune) and those who had all the talent in the world but for whatever reason never quite panned out.

Recently a young lady was voted off a somewhat popular television show and by all the accounts from everyone I have spoken to she may have had the most talent of all the contestants, but she was sent home. Rumors are flying and the young lady appears to be ready to sign a multimillion dollar recording contract – not bad for a loser.

Too good to win?

This young lady’s story is an example of just how unpredictable and unfair life is. Shouldn’t the winner of the television show be the talk of the town? Shouldn’t the loser be sent home to take over the karaoke scene?

We all have had unfair moments in our lives. Some in our careers, some in love, and others seem to have the unfair cloud just following them daily. What parents learn from their own misfortunes can help, when a child comes home and utters the words “It’s not fair.” Parents do not need to know what “IT” is because we already know. To a child “IT” can be anything (not making a sports team, losing a girlfriend) but to parents “IT” is simply defined as – LIFE.

Teach children they should never stop reaching for their goals. There will be bumps in the road and even an occasional “unfair” blow to their dreams but in the end it usually works out, and if it is not working out then it is probably not the end.

The Others

During any conflict – whether between nations or individuals there are always innocent bystanders who seem to get caught in the crossfire. When parents go to battle, extended family members are easy targets.

Children are easily confused and these feelings can last a lifetime. This is why parents have to use caution when they speak of the “other side” around children. Moms AND Dads should not keep children from building relationships with extended family just because they want the upper hand in the relationship.

These tactics are selfish and senseless. Children develop strong ties with extended family members at an early age and isolating or trying to control when your child spends time with their “other side” is not recommended. Of course there are situations when contact with extended family should be controlled (violence, drugs, alcohol) – but if the “other side” is reaching out, do not shut the door on their attempts to play an active role in a child’s life.

I was approached by a man who was recently at his paternal grandmother’s side while she laid in a hospital intensive care unit. The man explained to me that was conflicted even as an adult on exactly how he should feel. He and his grandmother never bonded when he was a child because his parents have been at war since he was born. His connection with a woman (who he agrees “obviously loves him”) is not as strong as it should be.

Maybe he is too guarded?

Maybe, even as an adult he is afraid that any gesture to the “other side” will be seen as an act of treason by his mother.

It is not healthy for any of the parties involved when a child becomes detached from family. Grandparents, uncles, and cousins can have a positive influence on children and those relationships should be encouraged. Trying to rekindle those valuable lost years can be awkward and difficult.

I did not offer any advice to the man, I just listened, and made a promise (to myself) I would not contribute to my child’s angst if he were ever faced with a similar decision.

No -- and Hell No...

So unless my child’s relatives are John Allen Muhammad or Jeffery Dahmer, he is free to spend time with the “other side”.

Just A Little Clarity

Dear Dad,

I wholeheartedly agree with your first two points regarding introducing your child to a "friend", however, I am having a problem understanding point number 3. You said, "After the date; do not travel in the same vehicle – this will allow your child to speak to you alone and tell you exactly what he or she thinks about your friend." I am sorry but if you deem your friend serious enough to introduce to your child, shouldn't you be concerned for her safety and take her home? Has that protocol changed? After all, you and your child can always speak at home.
I also have a comment about living with someone. That is a serious next step to take when all goes well. I am just curious. How do you explain this to a child? Would the friend still be considered a friend at this point?
Thanks, Dad. I'm looking forward to your thoughts. Have a great day!
Wanda

Dear Wanda,

I believe a child's first encounter with a "friend" should be on the child's terms. I also believe a parent should arrive with the child and leave with the child. Those moments right after the "date" are when a child may be more open to express their true feelings about your "friend". The adult's date can find his or her way home -- just as they found their way to the designated area. If there are any safety concerns for any of the parties, I suggest meeting in the morning or afternoon; this may help with those fears.

Depending on the living situation, each case is unique. Does the child live with the parent? How often does the child visit? Will the "friend" bring other children into the home? How will the living arrangements affect the child's space? These are just some questions that need to be answered.

A child should never be pressured into referring to someone as more than a friend. Over time and if the relationship has become a partnership, the child may feel comfortable referring to the friend as "step Dad/Mom"

Who’s That Lady?

When parents decide to separate from one another there is always a rebound period – for both parents. Deciding when to settle down with a new partner is not a decision that should be taken lightly. Depending on the child’s age, a parent’s new relationship may bring more questions than answers.

Introducing a potential partner is a difficult task. When the time comes to formally bring your child and your friend together there are some simple tips to follow…

• First, ensure your child you are only going to meet a friend – not his or hers new Mom. Unless there are extreme circumstances no child wants his or her parent replaced.

  

  
• Meeting at a public location is a good way to start. A Bookstore, Bowling Alley, Movie Theater, or the infamous Chuck E. Cheese’s are good places to break the ice.
• After the date; do not travel in the same vehicle – this will allow your child to speak to you alone and tell you exactly what he or she thinks about your friend.
• Please try to keep signs of affection to a minimum.

Be careful what and who your children see. A different woman in Dad’s house every day may do wonders for a rebounding Dad’s ego and self esteem but does your child need to see your “buddy” in the morning – Really?

Unless the relationship is headed to “living together” status there is no need to inform your Ex but be prepared to explain “Dad’s new friend.” Just be aware that life is a two way street and your child’s mother is not required to inform you of every new encounter she embarks on. The mere fact you chose her to be the mother of your child/children means you have enough confidence in her ability to protect your child/children.

A child’s first encounter with Dad’s new friend should not come seven months into a pregnancy. Do not dismiss the scenario because these types of meetings do occur. Can you imagine what thoughts must be racing through little Billy’s mind after meeting his soon to be Stepmother and Dad tells him he will be a big brother in two months?

Awkward to say the least…

Take the necessary steps and prepare.

He Scored...

After a messy divorce most young millionaires would enjoy their new found freedom soaking up the sun on Miami’s South Beach but one Dad decided to take an alternate route. Dwayne Wade decided to go back to court – and not the basketball court.

The former NBA finals MVP went to family court and filed for custody of his two children.

Recently a Chicago court awarded Wade sole "care, custody, and control" of his two sons. This is just another example of a man who believes a Dad’s number one responsibility is to his children. During the lengthy and expensive trial, Wade’s Ex made numerous outlandish claims about her famous husband. She did everything she could to spoil his reputation and hurt his chances of obtaining custody of their children. Fortunately, the judge saw through the rumors and her lies.

Wade’s nearly four year legal battle is a testament to Dads, who have made sacrifices to have an active role in their children’s lives. The process to take full custody of a child from a mother is never easy, but more single Dads are deciding to make the commitment. These men should be commended.

Wade says he loves being a Dad

Yes, Mr. Wade does have the financial means that average men do not, but look at the way he chose to use his money. He did not “make it rain” at the local establishment or squander large amounts on his entourage. Instead he paid top flight attorneys to represent him and his children in a lengthy trial. I do not believe he is totally innocent in the failure of his marriage but I do believe the man is sincere when it concerns his children.

I am a New York fan, and I hate the Miami Heat but Flash just became one of my favorite basketball players.

The Watchers

My natural “Manly” instinct is to defend Charlie Sheen and his party hard lifestyle (something about porn stars and alcohol rubs most men the right way) but this man has FIVE children and no matter what the cast of “interesting” people around him say, his behavior has to have a negative impact on his children’s life and that is just selfish. A man going through a midlife crisis is not news but when a man allows that crisis to affect the relationship he has with his children, it is time to pump the brakes and SLOW DOWN.

Men do not have to live for their children BUT we also have a responsibility not to make it difficult for our children to live. Children have a right to live a life where Dad is not the opening story of every news show or the punch line of most jokes. Children are affected by Dad’s behavior….PERIOD. You can try to argue the point but the chances of a child following Dad’s lead are good.

Dad flaunts porn stars – Dad’s daughter will think it is ok to be a porn star.

Dad disrespects Mom – Dad’s son will think it is ok to follow suite.

I am not the social police and no one is perfect but there has to come a point when the pride of a Dad overcomes the urges of an adolescent and that is the real story.

You can have your vices (we all do) but take some pride in your appearance and remember your children are watching.

Teach Him To Fish...

Dad had a problem.

Dilemma: Too many children's books just lying around.

Answer: Bookshelf.

The plan seemed simple enough. We would drive down to nearest IKEA, pull out the plastic, swipe, and drive home. Some assembly required and – KABOOM!!! My child would have a leveled bookshelf that would do what bookshelves do.

Operation bookshelf was FLAWLESS, completely planned out, budgeted for, and the space was allocated in the child’s room. Then something happened on the way to furniture store –

I explained my plan of attack to an older Dad and he gave me a look of disappointment. He went on to explain that young children have lost their sense of imagination and ingenuity because of Dads like me. We are quick to buy the remedy for the smallest issues, not willing to take the time to show a child the art of designing and building his own bookshelf.

My intentions were good but there was a flaw in my execution… He was right.

Any monkey can hammer a peg in a hole, but it takes more to measure the exact length needed for each side of the bookshelf and even a little more to decided on what cool colors to paint the bookshelf.

The older Dad had my attention for at least 45 minutes (if you know me that is an accomplishment in itself) and in the end his final reason for taking on the project was simple – “Teach him to fish and he will eat forever.”

Full disclosure – I do not want my child making bookshelves for a living but the lesson I learned from this older Dad is important. Take the time to teach children. Unlock their imaginations and help build skills they may use in the future. 

Instead of IKEA we made a trip to the nearest Home Depot. We picked out the lumber, purchased the right tools, and even found some cool looking paint. It took less than one hour to build and another hour to sand and paint. The leveled bookshelf looks sharp. The total cost turned out to be about the same but the quality time spent with my child was priceless.

So if my child’s major league baseball career does not pan out, he may want to turn to a trade as a master carpenter. Don't knock it. Before he changed the world, Jesus was a carpenter by trade. J

Too Cool...

20 years ago a young man from a small rural town in the sate of Alabama, who had already made millions of dollars and millions of fans based on his level of play on a basketball court declared “I AM NOT A ROLE MODEL.” At the time, it was the new catch phrase. Everyone was going around yelling “I AM NOT A ROLE MODEL.” The quote made its way around the world without the help of YouTube or Facebook.

You see 20 years ago, Charles Barkley declared his freedom. Two decades ago, his words had the EXACT opposite impact. Young men all over the world wanted NOT to be role models. They followed Charles's lead and instead of internalizing the entire message behind the famous commercial, most young men only heard “I AM NOT A ROLE MODEL.” Charles Barkley shunned his social responsibility and made it cool to be a F*** up.

The Chuckster NOT looking like a role model

I do not fault the chuckster. A multimillion dollar ad campaign is hard to turn down but in hindsight the message did a large amount of damage to the already weakened role men had in our society. I do not blame the athlete because this is bigger than him. Just like actors and rappers, they are pawns; used to manipulate and distract individuals from the bigger picture.

What if Sir Charles would have accepted his status as a role model and made a commercial for others to do the same? He had the power to make it cool to be a role model.



Sir Chuck had the power --

 I believe there is nothing wrong with doing the right thing; someone just needs to come along and make it cool.

Working Together…

Every day adults go to their place of business and work with individuals they simply can not tolerate. Maybe it is the coworker who chews with his mouth open, the office gossip queen, or the boss who believes all employees are her personal assistants.  But for at least eight hours a day and five days a week individuals put aside their personal feelings for the common good.

Unfortunately, these same people do not know how to work with the person who he or she selected to have a child with. Working with someone you had an emotional investment in can be difficult – but just like the decision to cope with the unruly coworker, the decision to co-parent is for the betterment of the home team.

During and after a break-up, children need to be reminded just how special they are to both parents and they also need to be reminded that although living arrangements may change, the rules will stay the same. Parents have to be in agreement with rewards, discipline, and other important decisions. It should not be party time at either parent’s home all the time. There will always be differences in parenting style but there should be a common theme. 

Consistency is the number one goal.

Remember, children watch EVERYTHING their parents do. A child’s attitude and behavior toward the opposite sex is similar to those traits exhibited by his or her parents.

In a perfect world everyone would just get along. There would be no pain, and breakups would only apply to horrible boy bands. Children who see their parents working together even when the relationship has failed learn how to work with others they have disagreements with. Show disrespect toward the other parent, chances are the child will do the same when confronted with challenging situation.

Being a mature, responsible co-parent starts with remembering – your child’s needs come before your own. 

KEY POINTS

• Consistency – It is not just for cake batter. Communicate with the other parent and try to maintain the same atmosphere in both households.

• Be a leader – Children will follow a parent’s example; Make it a positive one. Show respect to the other parent.

• Keep differences between the adults – Do not use children as messengers. Children have a right to be carefree. They have their own issues to worry about (acne, dating, school).

It’s All About Progression…

I recently sat down in front of the television and saw a young girl with the charisma of a superstar. She moved and sang with such flair I was surprised when I discovered her age. Willow Smith is a testament of how parents can help a child succeed. Looking at this child prodigy and the way she performs, it is easy to surmise --- her Dad taught her how to move the crowd.

Initially I was turned off by Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Why would two well off parents encourage their child to become a child star. Most individuals suffer burnout before puberty. Under further review I realized the move was made by two parents who support their child’s decision to pursue her dreams and continue the family business. Would it bother me if an electrician showed his child how to read an electrical drawing?

Unlike many child stars, Willow’s parents are successful in their crafts so this does not appear to be a case of parents attempting to live out their dreams through their children.

Many of us do not have wealthy parents but we have positioned ourselves to help our children succeed. My mother brought me to a certain point in life with the knowledge she had obtained, I had to continue from that point; not fall back. I can not allow my children at any time to fall back to where I was. That would be a direct reflection of me; A failing grade in the Dad’s hand book.

I am not a believer in the adage of letting your children work as hard as you did because your children will not appreciate or value hard work. Our children are competing on a global scale; it is not good enough to be the best on the block because the block stretches from Maine to China. You have the ability to leave behind a good trail for your child to follow. Show them everything you know.

As parents we must teach our children what works and what does not work. If parents earns all the riches in the world but fails to show their children the secrets to their success, that parent has placed their child at a disadvantage.

So for now, forget the Joneses… Just try to keep up with the Smiths.

KEY POINTS

• Never stop learning – The more knowledge you obtain, the more you can pass on.

• Pass on the knowledge – Teach your children the same skills you know. They may not want to follow your footsteps but you should allow them to make that decision.

When Will He?

I want to share an email I received from a reader. I believe the email may help others who are in a similar situation. Although I am a Dad, I don’t just write for Dads.

I want my son to love and be proud of his Dad. Better yet, I want his father to be a good Dad to his son. I have extended myself to keep my son around his father only to find out he treats his daughter from another relationship better than he treats my son. I do not hate my son’s father however, what do you do when you have done all you can and he still will not be a responsible Dad?

Tired of Trying – NY

Dear Tired of Trying,

Unfortunately, good people often do dumb things and it is also unfortunate you believe you must make your son’s father want to be a part of his life but in reality there is nothing you can do to make him accept the responsibility of a Dad. I do not know your family’s dynamic; there may be positive males in your family (uncles, cousins, grandfathers) who can serve as role models for your son. Your focus should be on making your son the best person he can be and helping him to break the cycle of absent fathers when your son is called upon to be a Dad.

I understand there are mothers who want to keep their children away from fathers who come in and out of their children’s lives. I do not support this action (unless the father is abusive in some way) because the time a father spends with his child is important to the child. Their time together may allow the father to reflect on his own behavior and realize just how selfish he is behaving.

As a parent I applaud your efforts to help establish your son’s identity. I believe it is important for children to know where they come from but in the end, putting pressure on someone to do something his heart is not into may prove to be counterproductive and make the encounters between your son and his father uncomfortable.

The relationship between your son’s father and his daughter from a previous relationship is an issue that you should not concern yourself with. The mother of your son’s half-sister may not be as stable as you (psychologically/financially).

There will come a day when your son will STOP asking for his father. I hope his father will pay attention to this warning before it is too late.

A Lesson Learned...

Since I started this journey I have corresponded with several interesting Dads. Dads as far away as Germany, and as close as New Jersey have all sent in e-mails detailing their lives as Dads. The majority are happy with what I’m doing. Some on the other hand - well let us just say I have been “de-friended” more than once. As my facebook friends list heads south, I have realized something…

Doing the right thing is universal and no one should be afraid or embarrassed to speak on a subject if it is dear to them. Dads should teach their children to stand for something and even when the critics come (and they will), and the critiques are too much to bear. My advice to children is simple; “Keep your head up and handle it.”

At no time should we allow our children to experience the sense of being broken down (emotionally/spiritually) to the point where they become afraid to function. If someone does not like what your child is doing and your child believes it is the right thing to do; then why should they stop?

Involved Dads want (and try to deliver) what is best for their children. Instilling a strong sense of character and good judgment in boys and girls at an early age will allow them to develop into well rounded teens and we hope adults. Boys cannot learn from women alone and girls need a stern Dad in their lives.

I started this blog to reach other Dads and pass on some encouragement, maybe even share some knowledge but during this brief period I probably have learned more than any reader or follower.

I have learned Dads Do… Matter.

P.S. Emailer-Y (Yes I know you are reading) do not be upset with MY thoughts; be upset with YOUR actions.

Who Has The Power???

What’s the difference between custody and visitation?

I AM NOT a lawyer but I have spent enough time in a court room to understand my rights as a Dad.

I have an associate who is entrenched in a legal battle with the mother of his child. She refuses to allow the man any consistent visits with his son. The parent’s relationship soured some time ago and the mother appears to be using the child as a pawn, attacking the Dad to weaken his defenses at every opportunity. By all counts the man in the situation just wants to be a Dad. Unfortunately, though the legal system does favor the mother in MOST custody cases some Dads have been negligent of their rights and responsibilities.

In the state I reside in; once a man acknowledges paternity (this is different from signing the birth certificate) he has equal rights to his child. So unless a judge orders him to stay away from his child, technically the mother CAN NOT keep the Dad away from the child. Of course there are certain circumstances that may change the rules (cases of abuse or neglect come to mind right away).

Once it has become obvious that the relationship between the mother and father can not continue in a productive and respectful manner the decision to establish custody and visitation must be made and carried out. Because custody and visitation are SEPARATE issues, responsible Dads should insist on joint custody and establish a consistent pattern concerning visitation. Medical and education decisions should also be agreed on.

Each jurisdiction is different so make sure to check with a local lawyer (yes peace of mind often costs). Dads are gaining momentum, and the courts are beginning to see through the drama. Mothers do not have the power to decide when and how Dads should parent.

KEY POINTS

• Seek legal help immediately – There are organizations that offer consultations for custody and visitation issues.
• Adhere to all court orders and Judge’s rulings – If you miss a date; document it.